Will It Gongfu? The Last Hoot

This is it. THE LAST HOOT. In the deep bowels of tea drunk, I thought up the unholiest blend.

White2tea’s 2016 Last Thoughts Sheng Puer
First We Feast / Heatonist’s The Last Dab Reduxx Pepper X and Chocolate Pepper X Reduxx

Both of THE LASTS must be gongfu’d into THE LAST HOOT!

If you aren’t familiar with White2Tea’s Last Thoughts, it is a high-end sheng puer currently priced at $469 per 357gram cake. I like this tea for real special occasions and tea drunk tomfoolery, though I am more than happy with cheaper tea drunkard teas like 2016 We Go High.

First We Feast is a Youtube channel that does Hot Ones interviews with Celebs eating crazy spicy wings. The Last Dab is their most spicy of sauces clocking at 2 million Scoville units. To put into perspective, regular Tabasco sauce is 2,000 Scoville units.

I’ve always been a hot food eater. I love spicy food and likely the wires are crossed in my brain to find heat pleasurably tasty. I’ve lately been buying better hot sauces as cutting weight for powerlifting left me with boring food that only a good flavoured hot sauce can fix. My stash of the good stuff (omitting the usual pantry stuff like Sriracha, Tabasco, and hot chili oil) and I particularly like locally made hot sauces. My current fav is First We Feast/ Heatonist’s Los Calientes. Please sell that one by the litre jug so I can drink it.

However, this is THE LAST HOOT. I need expensive tea and 2 million Scoville hot sauce. Do you want cha qi? I’ll give you cha qi!

Last Thoughts smells amazing. I drank the rinse, had steeping or three to get the tea going and it was thick butter and floral with already mind-altering properties. I became even more convinced my LAST HOOT blend is a good idea.

I attempted a dash of sauce in the cup and The Last Dab is THICCC. There had to be some magic to get a dab out.

I tried shaking the bottle for a bit but gave up and I went in with a toothpick, grabbed a healthy dab, and into the teacup it goes. I gave the tea cup contents a stir for good measure.

THE LAST HOOT

The scent of Last Thoughts and Last Dab is a strong mix of flavours at a delicious taco truck – like cumin, coriander, and death peppers.

The Last Hoot Sips in… well, that’s hot. It’s THICC floral tea with a brutal assault of hot hot hot pepper that burns the back of my throat, all my gums including between my teeth. I’m not sure if I am feeling the angle and energy of the tea or hot sauce or both, but I have a clear path of feels from throat to the chest of burning and kicking.

The flavour is exceptional. I went in for multiple sips. THE LAST HOOT is peppery, turmeric, citrusy, cumin, coriander, ginger, and cilantro freshness. Some sips have some mustard, others are a bit floral. I think there are smoke notes, but that could be me literally burning. I’m hallucinating eating a taco shop dive back in Southern California. The body feel is kicking in thanks to something, I feel my head getting a thorough massaging pinch at the temples, clicking ears, and I’m floating. Sip too fast and I had to pause as tea as my tongue was in pain and my front teeth felt like they are on fire. Give it 5 minutes, and I am ready for another 3 or 4 sips of THE LAST HOOT.

After I finish the session and I can feel the path of tea burn through my chest. I am also high as a kite on both cha qi and pain receptors. As time passes, the more I am unsure if I have tea gut rot and need a taco or the hot sauce is burning a new exit hole in my stomach.

I give THE LAST HOOT ten hoots out of ten hoots. A single cup was enough.